“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
smartest karate player in the world
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*