My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You Might Also Like
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”