My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.