My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
congratulations to them
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.