My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You Might Also Like
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
At least he brought enough for everyone
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Seems legit
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!