My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I can’t stop watching this.