Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Leaving the Barbers like

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.