Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

my retirement plan is braless

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans