Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

I’m sorry…what?

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

PARKOUR

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.