My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
BRAKING NEWS!!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing