Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??