my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My life coach traded me.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
