my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss