Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

The Book. The Movie.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

ㅤ

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.