Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Can confirm.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?