My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.