My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I hope they boil the right one.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.