My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
money maker
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away