My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You Might Also Like
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Just had my nails done!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Cannot stop laughing at this
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.