My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Mornin
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.