My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
You Might Also Like
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
he looks great for his age
Artwork by Herta Burbe
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.