My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.