Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain