My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.