My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Accurate
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit