Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Oh yeh? Explain this then

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Somebody’s lying.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

The first matador

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire