My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My plans: 2020:
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken