My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.