Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

💀 😭

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.