Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

I’d use my best pan on you.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.