My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You Might Also Like
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?