My whole life was a lie.
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Festive toon…
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.