My whole life was a lie.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
what it’s like dating me:
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.