Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

had to share :’)

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.