Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot