My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket