My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
It’s a gift
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?