My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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#Caturday
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!