My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Its a hippotatomus
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT