Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

time for some seasonal decor

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

How tf did it end up there?

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/