My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
so this horse walks into a bar
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*