My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
(Gaming support cat.)
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
finally
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
New menu item
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I love the smell of relapse in the morning