My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.