Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*