My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
dark side of the loom
