Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

You can’t outrun your problems…

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.