My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up