Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.