My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest


HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.


black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow


Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone


smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe


I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.


ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.


I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.