My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.