Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

back to work

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Breaking news:

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

look scared

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”