My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!