My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point