My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
I put the hot in psychotic.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
it must be school picture day
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.