My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Breaking news:
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl