Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

Name this drama.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .