Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too