Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.