My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Nose
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*