My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
How I’d get arrested…
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?