Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.