My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.