Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!