Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

🙏🏾

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas