Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

I wish I were this cool 😂

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie