My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.