My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am