My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Bill is short for Billiam
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
#CoronaOutbreak
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”