Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Follow me for more recipes

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Me, in DM rooms…

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.