My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.