My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.