My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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How to walk around a museum
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Duck typos.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent