Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that