My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
yeah 😭
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.