Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Bros before Ohioes

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

He instantly became one of the bros

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough