My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”