My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
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Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone