My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.