My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
this was very charming
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*