Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

What a kind woman! 😂😂

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Get in loser we’re going crying

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.