Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

🐦

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.