Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

i wonder why they stopped looking

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

my mind

You just read my mind

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.