@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

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I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.

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Girl: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Guy: “Both, now get in the van.”

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*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

@SardonicTart

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

@juliussharpe

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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@AlanHungover

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@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE