I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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Girl: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Guy: “Both, now get in the van.”
*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE