My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
God, I love Scotland
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves