Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit