My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up